


Catullus' Paradox

by Akoya8



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Binary Stars, F/M, Force Training, Introspection, Kylo Ren Uses Nameless Character as Masturbatory Aid, Masturbation, Riding this ship straight to hell, Science, This Feels Like the Super Kami Guru Version of Force Training But It's What I'm Going With, Voyeurism, When in doubt use Roman poetry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-08 21:57:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5514743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akoya8/pseuds/Akoya8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Odi et Amo. I hate and I love. A moment of connection spirals outward and onward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Odi et amo.

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: Okay, not my first fic, but definitely my first Star Wars fic. With the advent of TFA, I finally feel like I can play in that sandbox. Well, here’s me, playing in that sandbox. Kylo Ren/Rey to the max! I am currently developing my own headcanon about Rey’s parentage, so I’m not going to tag this as incest/possible incest (not until I have to, anyway). Updates for this may be slow, as I try to figure out where the hell this thing is going. Rating subject to change.

_Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requires. nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior._

-I hate and I love. Why I do so, perhaps you ask. I know not, but I feel it, and I am in torment.

          —Catullus 85

_“Don’t be afraid; I feel it, too.”_

It’s all mixed up inside him, the confusing swirl of emotions, churning in his gut, twisting his heart. He feels it in her, and suddenly where they had once been separate, they were one. Knowing that went beyond kinship, unfettered, dangerous.

He pressed forward; she pushed back. The fear that he held in check before Hus and the Supreme Leader flooded him, and he felt a surge of triumph rush through her.

_“You—you’re afraid that you’ll never be as strong as_ Darth Vader _.”_

Shock, anger, hate, desperation, fear, want.

The sense of belonging faded as he was thrown out of her mind. Like a true scavenger, she had seen the barest glimmer of a prize and had ruthlessly taken it for herself.

He felt the conflict returning. The Light, pulling at the edges of the Dark.

And all the while, she looked at him, pain as evident on her face as pride.

Instinct took him as reason could not, forcing his eyes away from hers. Uncontrollable shame mounts as he turns and grabs for his helm, the mask a necessary barrier against the power of her gaze.

“You can’t,” her voice snaps out, “you can’t hide, not from me, Kylo Ren.”

The truth of her words froze him, halted his rising arms, but rather than acknowledge that abhorrence head-on, he dipped his head briefly, secured his helm to his side, and strode out of the chamber as fast as he could without running.

_So strong_ , he thought, _but so raw_. He ached to connect with her again; his mind rebelled against his training. She was so close; the steps he had put between them are as nothing now that he knew what she felt like. _No_. The Supreme Leader must know of this, immediately.

Her strained face flashed across his mind, agony and resistance warring for dominance. Her anger was his own, her loneliness his solace, and at the corner of her thoughts, the Force.

He felt it rise in her and fought back against his need to meet it.

_NO_. _Enough_. Supreme Leader would know how best to proceed.


	2. nam simul te

_nam simul te,_  
_Lesbia, aspexi, nihil est super mi_  
_vocis in ore;_  
_lingua sed torpet, tenuis sub artus_  
_flamma demanat, sonitu suopte_  
_tintinant aures, gemina et teguntur_  
_lumina nocte._

—for whenever I see you,  
Lesbia, at once no voice at all remains  
within my mouth;  
but my tongue falters, a subtle flame steals down  
through my limbs, my ears tingle  
with inward humming, my eyes are quenched  
in twofold night.

          —from Catullus 51

A chasm opens between them, jolting her away from him. A wild thought intruded before he could stop it: _what if he called out to her, begged her not to leave him? Would she still run to that traitorous boy as she was surely doing?_ Too late, though, she was gone, and his body, even with the strength of the Force would not support him across the gaping maw at his feet.

Darkness closed in at the edges of his sight, bursts of red from the encroaching explosions flitted in and out. Blinding light shone down on him, and Hux’s sneering voice was in his ear.

“Lord Snoke requests our presence, Ren; get up.”

The Supreme Leader commanded him, and so he must obey. Kylo Ren fumbled to his knees, and then his feet, struggling to stay upright.

“They’ve made a mess of you, Ren; why ever did you let them?”

He allowed Hux’s taunts to pass by unremarked, though he filed them away for later retribution.

“Cease yapping, general, and give me your arm. There is a planet crumbling beneath our feet.”

They made an awkward sight as they stumbled to the shuttle’s ramp. Kylo Ren collapsed near the closed door while Hux ran to the cockpit. He passed into unconsciousness some time between Hux rerouting all non-essential power to the thrusters and the shuttle’s exit from the planet’s rapidly disappearing surface.

He awoke to Hux dumping a medpac on his lap.

“I’ve made the jump to hyperspace. You have approximately four hours before we reach Lord Snoke. I suggest you use them to repair the wreckage.”

His answering grimace pulled at the gash on his face. Not deep, he knew, and if he treated it quickly, scarring would be minimal.

Still, he hesitated.

It was necessary to heal his other wounds, lest they impede his movements, but this one…

This one marked him as hers. In time, she would bear his mark as well.

Lightyears divided them now, but he could still feel her. Her presence burned all the more brightly for the distance.

He would find her again, on green and desert planets, in the spaces betwixt the stars.

Rey called to him, and when he completed his training, he would answer her.


	3. Interlude One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: So, I’m not scientifically knowledgeable; inclined, yes, but I relied on Google to help me through some of this. All butchery of science is my own fault. I’m working on a PhD in English for good reason.

BINARY STARS

_A system in which one star either revolves around the other, or they both revolve around a common center._

A memory from the time before, when he was very young.

At night, the Force whispered to him, millions of voices, each trying to reach him before the others. His uncle, perceiving his difficulty, began to train him. Small things, at first.

“Imagine a well inside of you.”

“A well of what?”

A sigh.

“A well of, well, energy.”

“Energy doesn’t live in wells.”

A deeper sigh.

“You’re right, it doesn’t. It lives all around us.”

“So, what’s in the well?”

“Forget the well, Ben. We’ll try something else. Imagine an empty piece of space.”

Ah, much easier. Mother had finally let father take him up in the Falcon, and he had seen the emptiness of space for himself, its deep dark covering everything, the tiny pinholes of light that were stars so very far away. It was an emptiness that should have frightened him, but instead, it generated a sense of longing, longing that he did not understand.

Father laughed and told him that it just meant he was destined to be a smuggler like his old man. But that wasn’t it.

It wasn’t a pull to always be moving, but the pull to a certain place, an elsewhere.

He didn’t tell his father that, knowing, despite his young age, that his father was worried about the Force, worried about his uncle training him. So, he told his father smuggling would be fine as long as mother didn’t try to make him go to boring meetings. His father’s easy laugh pleased him.

He imagines the void of space, and himself floating somewhere above, below, slightly to the side of it.

“Do you know what a star being born looks like, Ben?”

He nods.

“Pressure forces the separate pieces of the stars together, fusing them, and then they are further compressed by the force of gravity. Do you understand?”

A slight tick of irritation wrinkles his brow. He’s not a baby; he knows about gravity and atoms and fusion.

He hears his uncle laugh, “Of course you do. Now, when they die, stars sometimes explode, but their birth is a much less vibrant event. Imagine the slow gathering of energy, the gradual building up of mass. You’re not ready to create planets, yet, so imagine all the energy you feel inside you creating a star. Reach for each atom and link it to the others.”

It takes him several days, but there is a star burning at the center of the empty space in his mind.

It’s not quite right, though; it’s alone, and it doesn’t seem right that something so beautiful should eventually be surrounded by dull planetary rocks and balls of leftover gas.

“Uncle Luke, I don’t want planets; I want another star. That’s possible, right?”

His uncle pauses for a moment, considering him and his question. “There are binary star systems in this galaxy, some with, some without planets. The planet that I called home was in such a system. Every morning, two suns rose in the sky, and every evening, two suns set. But it was a barren planet. It raised hard people, cultivated rough life.”

“I don’t want that. Shouldn’t I have enough energy to create another star next to the one I already have?”

“Ben, you know it is more than mere energy that we’re talking about, it’s the Force. To be too greedy for its power is dangerous. The star you’ve created is a visualization of the Force. As you train, the star will increase and stabilize. The planets you create will allow you to see how the Force works to bind everything together. You will never need more than one star, my young apprentice.”

He was so rarely denied anything, and his uncle’s refusal hurt. It was just a star, it was only imagined, it wasn’t really the Force.

Years later, when he feels Rey begin to train with Skywalker, he sense her star burst into life next to his own, their slow revolution around a common point beginning. Satisfaction at proving the old Jedi wrong stirs within him, momentarily distracting him from the protracted pain flowing throughout his body.

“Again,” Supreme Leader intones, and he focuses in on that pain.

The star within his mind burns brighter, outshining the pulsing light of its newborn companion.


	4. illepidae atque inelegantes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said back in chapter one, the rating was always subject to change, and now it has. We are venturing into M territory, gentle readers, please prepare yourselves accordingly. Brief mentions of Kylo Ren/OFC in this chapter. The bits about the Knights of Ren is from my headcanon, hardly gospel, but it’s what I think.

_Flavi, delicias tuas Catullo,_  
_ni sint illepidae atque inelegantes,_  
_uelles dicere nec tacere posses._

Flavius, if it were not that your mistress  
is rustic and unrefined,  
you would want to speak of her to your Catullus; you would not be able to help it.

          —from Catullus 6

 

In the years after cutting his way out of Skywalker’s grip, he had explored his sexuality. The desires which he had before constrained and channeled were given free rein and their rampancy was only checked by his discretion. Where the Jedi master had forbade all, the Supreme Leader indulged, but common sense prevailed; Kylo Ren’s once prodigious amount of bedmates dwindled until there was none.

His drive to master the dark side of the Force consumed him, driving away any thought that might prove distracting. But now, with the scavenger burning so brightly within him, his work was undone.

Ashamed, he withdrew; only reluctantly did he train with the other Knights of Ren and the Supreme Leader. Sensing his defection, Lord Snoke pursued, seeking to pry the truth from his apprentice’s lips.

“Tell me, boy, what haunts your waking life and twists your sheets at night? Tell me!”

Pain. Everywhere at first, then sharpening. His chest, then his stomach. Muscles clenched in resistance, but only made it worse. His master was searching, searching for any piece of her that he had hidden away in his mind.

Desperation, panic.

He withdrew further, letting the warmth of her neighboring sun warm and comfort him.

“It would be a loss, but one that is recoverable. You are not the precious commodity you once were, Kylo Ren. Recall how easily you turned. She may be even easier.”

He fought to the surface, scrambling for something his master would believe.

“Forgive me, master, but my…defeat at the hands of _that girl_ has made me reluctant to speak. I am ashamed to appear before you like this, unworthy of your training.”

His breath caught in his throat as he waited for his sentence. Icy fingertips retreated, slowly dragging down his face to his chin. Open, steady eyes met the Supreme Leader’s, and, seemingly satisfied with what he saw, the hand dropped.

“Careful, boy, that you do not hide from me again. Your brothers await you. Go.”

Kylo Ren staggered to his feet, sluggish in the aftermath of so much pain. In the antechamber beyond, as the Supreme Leader had said, the Knights of Ren waited for him.

“You’ve been neglecting your training, Kylo Ren.”

“No longer,” he replied.

“Good. We would hate to have to strip you of your title because of such…negligence.”

“I’m sure.”

“To the training grounds, master of the Knights of Ren,” another of his brothers announced. “Prove yourself worthy of the name you have killed for.” 

* * *

 

Several hours later, he stood in the ’fresher, surveying the bruises from his bout with the Knights. They were all competent Force users, but their competency fell short of his abilities. Therefore, since his joining them, they had instituted a policy shelving any use of the Force, unless challenging for a title.

He traced a long mark down his ribs, a gift from his brother’s staff while he’d been distracted by the club of another being thrust at his head. These marks would fade with time, no need for any bacta. His hand was drawn up, inexorably, to the scar on his face. Her strike had landed more shallowly than he had first supposed, and so, it had healed into a tidy scar, bisecting his right cheek and stopping slightly above his left brow.

A rueful smile tugged at his lips every time he saw the skip in the line that had left the bridge of his nose intact.

Leaving off from his examination, he turned to the shower, stepping into the hot water, steam enveloping him. He let his shoulders sag, finally free of the weight of his armor. Titling his head back, he absorbed the impact of the water on his face. His right hand drifted absently toward his stomach, resting there briefly before moving on to grasp at his stiffening length.

In his sleeping hours, his once disciplined mind broke free, and all his dreams were of her.

_Rey._

Bathed in sunlight, skin glistening under the unforgiving heat of two suns. Shadowed in an alcove near his quarters, muscles tensed, ready to spring. Under him, their only blanket a sky of stars. Over him, as the wreckage of a distant battle burned up in atmo'.

Everywhere and nowhere.

He woke every morning reaching for the merest phantom of her presence, but she eluded him.

Skywalker must have taught her to guard her waking mind much more quickly than he had his previous apprentice, else he would spend every moment he could in it.

Tentatively, he reached out; the success of his lie to the Supreme Leader emboldened his desire to feel her in this moment. His mind gentle, he threaded his way through the infinity of their own private cosmos.

He startled when he found her, surprised that she did not immediately sense him. He had to strain to hold back a sudden surge of delight at catching her unaware and alone and…naked.

She was in a state much like his own, but in a more natural setting. Rey was bathing.

Rather, she was frolicking and laughing, smiling at birds, flicking her toes at curious fish. She was glorious in her unabashed revelry. Her enjoyment seeped through their connection unchecked.

He feltsaw her hands drift, much like his had, down her body, her skin slick and soft. Her fingers had just reached the outer lips of her cunt when he wrenched himself away.

Abruptly, he cut the water off and flung himself out of the shower. In his current state, he could not concentrate long enough to remove the moisture on his body with the Force, and so he was made to towel himself off, his erection bobbing with every move. In his angry desperation to rid himself of her, he acted rashly, summoning a girl to his chambers.

* * *

 

He fucked the nameless girl as though he were still a callow youth. Cock in cunt, thrusting in and out.

He kept her face turned from him, ignored the twitches of her pain at his rough movements.

Useless, all of it useless.

When he closed his eyes, it was Rey with him, her skin even softer under his hands than it had been under hers. The body that had been clenched against his invasion became open, warm and inviting. His thrusts slowed, and he ground into her, brushing her clit as he did so.

“Rey!”

Her name was no more than a puff of air, and yet it had escaped him.

The girl beneath him stilled and turned frightened eyes to his face. Unthinking, his hand raised to her head and he was immediately in her mind, scrambling the events of the last quarter hour until it was a tangle of forgotten thoughts and would-be memories.

He withdrew from her mind and body, sending her away with no particular orders. He felt unclean, wholly disturbed by what he had and had not done.

Several months ago, he would have thought nothing of killing the girl for what she, through no fault of her own, had heard.

Rey was changing him more than she could know, and if he was only now becoming aware of it, how long had the Supreme Leader known? 


End file.
